| People who are bullying or are abrasive are | | | | acquiesce when tense, seeks attention, wants |
| frightened. Shouting, tantrums, threatening, and | | | | connection, is a conformist, wants to be liked and |
| punishing behaviors are fear-based behaviors*. So, if | | | | makes considered decisions. |
| you want to talk with an abrasive person, then you | | | | 4. The 'Interactive Socializer' - is Open and Direct. |
| have to know what they're afraid of and defuse | | | | This person is spontaneous, relationship oriented, |
| those fears to increase trust and decrease tension. | | | | fears loss of prestige, is sarcastic and attacking when |
| While it's neither fair nor right for the target of | | | | tense, seeks recognition and status, wants to be |
| abrasive behavior to have to do the work of | | | | admired and makes spontaneous decisions. |
| decreasing tension and building trust, nor is it fair or | | | | Applying this model: |
| right for the target to be burdened with stopping | | | | Say you want to talk to an abrasive person who is |
| abrasive and bullying behaviors, it is a fact of our lives | | | | the 'Dominant Director'. Dominant Directors fear loss |
| and the more tools the more opportunities to | | | | of control, are dictators and value productivity and |
| improve life. | | | | success. Focus on and supporting their goals, frame |
| Interestingly, the same knowledge and skills required | | | | your conversations based on goals and productivity, |
| for successful selling can help identify what people | | | | be practical and remind them they're in charge, avoid |
| are afraid of and what can be done to increase trust. | | | | arguing about their final decisions - final decisions are |
| Uncovering what makes people afraid: | | | | final. They will respond to accomplishments and |
| Jim Cathcart, author of Relationship Selling** and a | | | | respect those who like competition and focus on the |
| leading research psychologist studies behavioral styles. | | | | win. But, since they are hard-pressed to change their |
| He determined there are four basic behavioral styles | | | | mind once a decision is made, it will be difficult if they |
| based on two continuums: 1-how direct people are | | | | have decided you should be their target. |
| and 2-how open people are. He combines these to | | | | How about the 'Interactive Socializer': Interactive |
| identify 4 basic behavioral styles and then identifies | | | | socializers have a self-perception of being open and |
| the characteristics associated with each style. | | | | easy to get along with, when you cross them they |
| Why is this so important when crafting a | | | | will be sarcastic, you'll have to be flexible with them |
| conversation with an abrasive person or a bully? Well, | | | | support their status, be stimulating and admiring. Be |
| because if you know what increases fear and tension | | | | sure to acknowledge their accomplishments and |
| YOU can connect in a way that is empathetic and | | | | compliment them. If you are disingenuous, they will |
| avoids fear triggers and increases trust. | | | | know it and attack you. You have a better chance |
| Styles 1 & 2: Task-Oriented & Self-contained: | | | | of changing their opinion of you so meet all deadlines, |
| 1. The 'Dominant Director' - is Self-contained (not | | | | support your ideas with documentation and be |
| open) but Direct. This person is fast/decisive, fears | | | | patient while they decide. |
| loss of control, will dictate when tense. He values | | | | Remember no system for understanding human |
| productivity, gains security when in control, wants to | | | | behavior is foolproof but if you can determine |
| be successful, needs you to support his goals, is | | | | someone's type based on the Cathcart scale, you |
| practical, needs to be in charge, and once he's made | | | | have some real information to use when crafting |
| a decision, that's it. | | | | your relationship with an abrasive person. It's very |
| 2. The 'Cautious Thinker' - is Self-contained (not | | | | powerful to create a productive relationship and calm |
| open) and Indirect. This person is systematic, fears | | | | the fears of another and especially so when it comes |
| embarrassment will avoid when tense. To gain their | | | | to working with an abrasive person. Finally notice who |
| trust you have to be prepared, credible, supportive | | | | gets along with the abrasive person and you'll see |
| and precise. Cautious thinkers don't like surprises and | | | | this model in action. |
| measure worth through accuracy and productivity. | | | | *Of course, some bullying is instrumental (wherein |
| Styles 3 & 4: Relationship oriented & Open: | | | | someone's trying to WIN through destruction) but |
| 3. The 'Steady Relater' - is Open but Indirect. This | | | | this advice isn't for the instrumental bullying scenario. |
| person is slow but easy, fears confrontation will | | | | |